Why Won't You Let Me Protect You?
by Julia451
Summary: One-shot. The night after his coronation, Zuko confronts Mai about her recklessness at the Boiling Rock, wrestles with his fear for her, and realizes what he'll have to learn how to deal with if they're going to be together. Inspired by a comment by Private Fire on a story for another fandom.


"Why didn't you come for me?"

The candles burning dimly in the four corners of the room flared up at the question. He waited until they calmed back down to normal and he knew his voice would be steady enough to answer. He held her more tightly against his bare chest and kept his eyes focused on the canopy above them as he whispered, "I didn't think you'd want me to."

Mai's faint, disappointed sigh told him that such an outlandish, idiotic claim needed some explanation. Zuko gathered his strength and went on: "I wanted to come so badly. I wanted to go and get you out myself before I did anything else; it was all I could think about. I was preparing an airship for the trip when it hit me."

"What?"

"That you wouldn't want to see me. That you must hate me. And I didn't blame you. I remembered how I misjudged you and hurt you. What happened to you all because of my stupidity. I had no right to see you after that. So I just sent the orders for them to release you immediately and escort you wherever you wanted to go, give you anything you wanted, spare no expense. After you were released from prison, I figured you'd want to stay as far away from me as possible. When you showed up in my room, I... it was the last place I ever expected you to come. I was sure I'd never see you again."

"That's become a tradition for us by now," was her only comment.

"That's why I expected it to be easier this time," Zuko told her. "As usual, I was wrong."

"You're an even bigger idiot than I thought." Her voice was bitter with sarcasm, but her hand was gentle as she caressed his shoulder.

Zuko kissed her forehead. She was right – he _was_ an idiot for doubting her. She had forgiven him for doubting her love for him before the Boiling Rock – she'd done her best to fool Azula, she couldn't be angry if he'd been fooled in the process. No, that was understandable – painful, but understandable. But how could he have doubted her after seeing how she risked her life for him there? But it wasn't really her love he had doubted; it was his own worth. Why should she want to come back to him? He had no right to presume that, just like he'd had no right to endanger her by asking her to join him. He never wanted her risking her life for him; he wasn't worth that. He'd tried to spare her, just as he'd tried to protect her. He'd failed both times...

"So what have you learned from this?" he heard her ask next.

"Never..." He started to answer but stopped. The answer wasn't comforting – not in his opinion.

Mai, of course, wouldn't let him get away with that. "Never...?"

Zuko needed to take a few calming breaths before he answered: "Never doubt your love for me." He sounded miserable when he said it, like it was the ugliest, most painful task he'd ever been forced to do.

He felt Mai shrug her shoulders before she said, "I'm sorry the idea is so repulsive to you."

"What kind of person would I be if it wasn't?" He suddenly realized that it wouldn't be right to keep talking about this in the position they were in. How could he have let this happen? What was he thinking when he'd... No, this was all wrong... He gently eased himself away from her, turned aside, and threw his legs over the edge of the bed.

Behind him, he heard Mai roll over and reach down for her robe. "One who made sense," she said flatly.

Zuko shook his head as he pulled his own robe on, his fingers brushing against the bandages wrapped around his injured chest as he did so, reminding him what Azula had done to him, what she would have done to Mai... "You don't get it," he said weakly.

"No argument here."

He stood up but kept his back to her as he tied the sash around his waist. "You shouldn't... It would be better if you didn't..."

He heard her walk around the bed towards him. "If I didn't love you?" She knew him too well for him to hide things by not saying them.

Zuko forced himself to turn and face her. "I never should have let you come back. It would have been better if you had just left and forgot all about me." He lost his nerve then, so he turned away and began pacing the room.

"Fine – next time, I'll let you run off and get yourself killed," Mai said in her familiar monotone.

"Better me than you."

Mai sighed with the tiniest bit of audible boredom. "Not that again..."

"Didn't you read that letter?"

He swore Mai was laughing when she said, "If you _ever_ bring up that letter again, I'll..."

Zuko didn't let her finish. "I meant what I said in it. I never wanted to see you in danger because of me. I hated the thought of leaving you, but I thought it was the only way to protect you." He could feel anger creeping into his voice, anger that had been blocked by euphoric joy when he'd first seen her and bottled up by the demands of the rest of the day. "It would have worked, too, but then you had to show up at the Boiling Rock and save me. What were you thinking?! You almost got yourself killed!"

Mai crossed her arms, but her voice remained as steady and even as ever. "So did you."

"I don't care! I don't want you risking your life for me! Do you realize what could have happened? What if Ty Lee hadn't been able to save you? What if Azula had ordered you executed right there? What if one of those guards had been just a little bit faster?"

"I can take care of myself."

"Don't give me that! This isn't about how strong you are! I _know_ that! But even you're not invincible!"

"I know."

"You know what I thought about every minute of every day after that? What I stayed awake worrying about for hours every night? When I finally did get to sleep, what I saw in my nightmares? All I could think was: Is she alive? Did she suffer? What are they doing to her? How are they torturing her? What have they done to her because of me?"

"I'm flattered."

"I can't go through that again. I can't let you risk your life for me like that."

Mai smirked and walked towards him. "You don't 'let' me do anything. What I do is my choice."

Zuko walked away from her. "Don't give me that, either! If it's insulting, so be it – I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt because of me! And I _know_ I can't stop you – that's the problem! When the next Boiling Rock comes up, you'll do the same thing!"

"That's one thing you've got right."

"And the same thing the next time, and the time after that, and the time after that! What am I supposed to do, calmly watch them try to kill you without even batting an eye?"

Mai raised her voice, albeit slightly, for the first time. "Well, what am _I_ supposed to do? Watch them try to kill _you_ without even raising a hand to stop them?"

"YES!" Zuko walked up to her this time, his hands outstretched like a beggar, which, indeed, he was – begging her to understand. "I'm the Fire Lord now. I'm probably in more danger than anyone else on the planet right now. If you stay with me, you will be, too. I can't drag you into that."

"You couldn't drag me into anything. It's my choice."

"What about _my_ choice? I want to know you're safe. Why do you have to make that so difficult for me? Why won't you let me protect you?"

"Why won't you let _me_ protect _you_?"

Both their voices were low again. "Because I love you and don't want you to get hurt."

"And I love _you_ and don't want you to get hurt," Mai echoed again.

"I wish you didn't," Zuko replied immediately.

"You mean that?"

"For your sake, yes."

"I believe you." He should have backed away when she put her hands on his arm and shoulder, but he didn't. "But since we've already agreed you're an idiot, you can't expect me to trust your judgment."

"I must be an idiot," Zuko said with an edge in his voice again, "because I don't understand – do you _want_ me to not care about you? Not care if you're safe or not?"

"You don't think I know how you feel? Try to count all the times I've had to watch _you_ put _your_ life in danger."

"That was different – nothing I've ever been through or had to do was your fault."

"So if we broke up, I'd never be in danger again?" Mai asked impatiently. "I'll always be a warrior, Zuko. My knives are my second love, and they always will be. I like fighting – it's one of the few things I've ever really enjoyed. You can't keep me out of battle, no matter what happens to us."

"But I can't let..." Zuko bit his tongue and fished around for a different verb. "I can't... _accept_ you being in danger all the time." He put his right hand over Mai''s, and she dropped both her arms.

Mai shook her head. "Women have been accepting it for centuries – we learned how to handle it, so can you men."

Zuko tried to muster up some annoyance, but he couldn't because he knew she wasn't making some irrelevant argument about gender equality, just a valid comparison. This fear he felt for Mai – was this really how all women had felt for centuries when their husbands went into battle without them? All he could do was shake his head and say, "Don't try to tell me that wishing you were safe is wrong."

"I'm not. I'm saying you have to learn to live with it because it's not going to change."

Zuko snapped his head up and looked right at her. How could she ask him to just accept the idea of her in constant danger as another part of life? "How do you think I'd feel if you got hurt?" he asked.

"You know what would hurt me the most?" Neither of them answered; both of them knew. "I'm not afraid of being with you."

"I'm afraid _for_ you."

"Deal with it. Like I do. Can you do that?"

So that was it – if they were to be together, her life being in constant peril was just something he'd have to live with. He could either bear it like a man, or he could be cruel and get rid of her. If he truly didn't want to hurt her...

He looked up into the eyes an inch or two above his own and held her gaze for a second before reaching forward, immersing his hands in her beautiful hair, and kissing her. His hands moved down to her shoulders as her arms wrapped around his body.

When they finally stopped, she said, "I'll take that as a yes."

She was smiling. Zuko found himself smiling back without knowing why. He supposed it was from being able to let go of the feeling that it was his duty to send away the woman he loved. He tried to feel guilty for accepting her terms because of what it meant for her, but all he could feel was the relief of dropping a heavy burden. If this was the price of loving a warrior, it was easier to pay than the alternative. It was a strange, new perspective; like Mai said, his gender hadn't had much time to get used to it yet. But the days were over when only men had to...

Without at all intending to, Zuko confused poor Mai out of her wits when he started laughing. "Do I want to know?" she asked.

Zuko composed himself and said, "I just remembered a famous poem I once read in class years ago, spoken by a soldier to his lady as he left her to fight in the wars, asking her to understand that he had to leave because..."

Mai's eyes had already lit up with recognition, and she said: " 'I could not love thee, dear, so much...' "

The two of them said the last line together: " 'Loved I not honor more.' "*

* * *

*From "To Lucasta, Going to the Wars" by Richard Lovelace (1649)


End file.
